Saturday, September 3, 2011

2:00 - How to make the food you eat the most

There is nothing so delicious as efficiency, my friends. And what can be more efficient, a better example of humanity's ability to master foodstuffs into convenient form... than the noble Pizza Roll? (Not to be confused with the Nobel pizza roll, which was designed as a way to quickly clear icy rubble from the back of old freezers).

But how do you get the perfect pizza roll? Do you just drop them, frozen on a plate, and then gnaw at them until your teeth fall off? Or do you throw them into the sun, trusting its radiant majesty to tenderly cook them, and the whims of gravity to return them to you? Maybe you put them in the oven, on some sort of cookie sheet.

Those are all stupid ideas. You're stupid. So stupid.

What you do is array Totino's Treasures (TT) on the plate in the manner of... A STARFISH, the most pizza roll-y of animals.

Specifically, you array 8 rolls on a plate. Cover them with a paper towel to absorb excess moisture (and hide the pizza rolls from prying eyes, as they are a shameful, shameful food). Then, set the microwave at full power to 1:23 (cooking times will vary with differently powered microwaves, so just come over to my house and use mine). Then, take them out of the microwave. Then, put them back in the microwave, and turn it on. Wait for one minute (also, twenty-three seconds).

If the pizza rolls were Pepperoni flavored, eat them. If they were any other flavor, use them to make some sort of art project, I guess. Or give them to a homeless. They eat garbage.


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