City Experiences 'Rain of Cats and Dogs'
After Animal Shelter Explosion
In what experts are calling a 'potential biohazard', an explosion rocked the North Quincyshire Animal Shelter late last night, spreading the atomized flesh of hundreds of potentially rabid animals across the county.
Radical animal rights advocate group 'Crows Before Crowds' has claimed responsibility for the attack. In a video released this morning by the group, all dressed in anatomically correct crow costumes, group members laid out their mission statement in a vicious manifesto rap.
'You killed our flapping babies/
Now you all got rabies.
Our flow remains the freshest/
Antibiotics are not effective/
It's the virus from Old Yeller/
Look at that frothing feller/
We drop our rhymes like Kanye/
You're all hydrophobic bums, ye."
Rap experts continue to analyze the lyrics for meanings, hidden or otherwise.
In the meantime, men in lab coats have stressed that the public should remain calm and not 'Fuck around panicking and shit.' They then picked up a test tube, peered at it intently, and then said 'Don't be fucking morons.'
This reporter would like to make an editorial comment, urging readers to stay indoors, barricade their windows, and shoot anyone who steps onto their porch, lest the deadly rabies sneak through the mail slot and kill them. Also, he would like a glass of water.
Come over here. Bring me a glass of water.
This? It's just shaving foam. I was shaving.
Come here.
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